This is about an issue that we are all aware of. It's something we never want to admit, but we all know it's there, like the big-foreheaded elephant in the room. Why Hufflepuff? Why did J.K. even bother with such a useless House as Hufflepuff?
There are obvious reasons for the other three Houses: Gryffindor is for the jocks, the cheerleaders that bang them after the game (and if anyone's thinking that Hermione doesn't count, check out page 625 of the Deathly Hallows, US edition), and the honor students. Slytherin's got all the slutty goth chicks and the obnoxious legacies. And Ravenclaw, obviously, is where the annoying genius-brats go to play. So what's left? Special Ed. A quick breakdown of Hufflepuff ought to clarify the point:
Who's in Hufflepuff? Let's be honest. The only thing Hufflepuff ever had going for it was Cedric Diggory, and he died. The most anticlimactic death 'til the Deathly Hallows, Cedric Diggory, hero of Hufflepuff, went out like a chump. Other than that, you've got a few pathetic no-names that the Gryffindor's go to hang out with to get service credit.
And really? C'mon. The Hufflepuff common room is next to the freakin' kitchen. How much more obvious can it be? The connection to house elves is so painfully obvious. The Hufflepuffs are the ones that the rest of the school is ashamed to show in public. It should have been S.P.H.W. So let's imagine the Hufflepuff common room. I see big, round walls, with no sharp edges. It's furnished with bean bags and big foamy couches, so no one can get hurt. Scissors are strictly banned, and only organic paste is allowed. And being next to the kitchen serves a double purpose. Not only does it keep the retards out of sight, it allows for central heating without dangerous fireplaces for some downie to fall into. And not to be insulting, but their Head of House is a gardener. And their mascot is a badger. Strong and hardworking? Yeah, so were Neanderthals.
Anyway, it's time to get to the point. Helga Hufflepuff ought to be remembered in the same breath as greats like Woodrow Wilson and Margaret Sanger. There are some people that we want to succeed, and others we don't. Some people just aren't cut out to contribute to the gene pool. Helga Hufflepuff recognized this, and she wasn't afraid to say it. We can't let these people keep procreating recklessly, or we'll just get more of them. So we must segregate. Brand them with the bright letter H.
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5 comments:
But should we allow them to keep their nipples?
Mac, you're so offensive.
Someday you're going to make someone cry.
Did you mail my letter yet?
I think you're right. But hey, we've got to marginalize -someone-. Interestingly enough, the images that always come to mind when I see "Hufflepuff" have given me many a sleepless night; for some reason I don't think the big bad wolf and Puff the magic dragon would make very nice friends.
No, Hufflepuff exists because of JK Rowling's deep seated fetishism re: those with, as one sexual psychologist termed it, "junk in dey trunkz."
Why else would there be an entire house full of plump students with poor self-esteem and doglike loyalty who are conveniently located next to the kitchens? Rowling has made the pragmatic observation that those with high BMIs and low self-esteem are easiest to sucker into dehumanizing, often disturbing sexual antics.
Man, what a bitch.
I would like to end this post by explaining that I am currently on pain medication for what will soon be treated with a root canal, and thus am only partially responsible for the things I say. God help me.
Hey Mac, I hope you don't mind me changing the font of your post. I just upped it a little, that's all...
Did you mail mine, too? :O)
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